It's bikini season and I'll be honest with you - you've looked better. Especially around the...um...glutes. I'm only saying this as a friend.
Don't despair, my little flower. There's a fix for what ails you and, although it'll take a little sweat and maybe a few tears ( the appearance of blood, however, is a sure indicator that you're doing something wrong) it's 100% guaranteed to get your unspectacular biscuits rounded out.
Lemme introduce you to the man for the job: Mr David Kirsch.
Mr Kirsch and I have produced an incomparably thorough work devoted to the subject. Cannily titled "The Butt Book", this tome is designed to aid you in crafting your perfect posterior through both diet and exercise. Undoubtedly you've heard these claims before, but never have they come from the peerless and trusted team of Kirsch/Wacksman.
No matter if you're hippy, flat-assed, boy-hipped, or pear-shaped you can rest easy. Surrender yourself to our program and your posterior will, in time, be the talk of the town. Assuming that's an appealing outcome I encourage you to order a copy of The Butt Book and get to work! Life's too short to look unattractive, even for a minute!
The book is filled to near-overflowing with colorful illustrations, pithy commentary and valuable information for those wishing to sculpt the hindquarters of their dreams. Exercises such as Plie Squats (above) coupled with a rigorous cardiovascular program (below) are described in detail. This book will allow you to create a can't-miss program - a road map to badonkadonk nirvana.
I'll be straight with you- it won't be easy. Mr Kirsch is the real deal and makes no claims of overnight success nor will it happen while you sleep. You're gonna sweat. You're gonna curse. You're gonna forego fried ice cream and triple mocha lattes. But it's a small price to pay in the pursuit of a delightfully crafted posterior; the very sort that inspire men to song.
COMING SOON (I think):
Carefully catalogued scientific research tells us that owners of butts are likely to also be in posession of abs and arms. Should you fall into this category, be sure to keep your eyes (and wallets) open for the forthcoming Kirsch/Wacksman collaboration "David Kirsch's 'Abs and Arms'".
Holy spicy guacamole are you gonna look (and feel) great! No need to thank me, o former flabby one- seeing you out there all taut and ripply is all the thanks I need!